Birthday Run Redux; This Time It’s Personal…

mo bday run 2009 groupActually, this time it’s for our good man, Mohammed.  But nonetheless, it’s obvious he’s taken the whole episode from my birthday run to heart.  In an email post from late last night, he has assigned bib numbers for tomorrow’s (1-23-10) Sultan 50K.  It is painfully obvious that the numbers were assigned given the participant’s level of kindness toward me over the last year or so.  Example: Mark Lundblad, number 7.  He laundered and returned via mail my half-frozen habiliments from last year’s Mount Mitchell Challenge.  Melinda Yelton, number 11096.  Dissed me horribly on my birthday run.  And, no, there are NOT 11,000 attendees expected.  The number is merely commensurate with behavior.  Per the Sultan, “Mess with the bull, you get the horns — and a two-sided bib number, yo!”  Mo, I applaud you for taking this corrective step.

“Pfft – I expected as much,” snapped The Beast when she learned of her conspicous placement at the tail of the entrants’ list. “I’ll get you, my pretty… and your little dog in the picture, too!”

The guest list for this year looks to be a bit larger as compared to the pic from last year posted here.  Should be a great run at South Mountain!  However, despite the expanded attendance, a most notable absence is that of Ed “Up Yours, Horton” Marsh.  Ed tells me he’s chosen his sea level digs of Charleston, SC over the elevation change and potential wintry mix of the Morganton area.  When pressed further he added, “if I have to make Rich Daileader look like crap again at one of these events, he’s probably going to off himself… or head back to the AT again with his tail between his legs.  I’ll just hang here in Chucktown and keep an eye on the college hotties – might be short pants weather! Hell to the yeah!”  Meanwhile, Ed continues his training for Mitchell and I assure you it is not a selfish pursuit.  Ed is experimenting with hydration packs for this season, efforting to determine which can carry Jack Daniels for an extended period of time without burning through the plastic bladder and wasting perfectly good “brown liquor” on the trail.  You go, Ed!

While Ed’s absence will be noted, things will be looking brighter with the addition of all-new birthday crowns for this year’s run!  A welcome accoutrement for a man with an SPF 0 haircut such as myself.  Again, well played, Mo!  Here’s a sneak peek at Saturday’s headgear.  Nice!

Looking forward to seeing you all there, and reporting back with the usual honesty and accuracy that you have come to expect.

Sugar Bears and the Outing of “The Beast”

It had come to my attention that I had NOT posted an account of my January birthday run. While it pales in comparison to Mo’s upcoming birthday run in size and scope, it was no doubt, jam-packed with adventure! Enjoy!

KINGS MOUNTAIN TRAIL, JAN 8, 2010 – A cryptic, eleventh-hour text should have tipped us to her Friday plans. “Too much to do,” it read, “Can’t make Saturday’s run. You’ll have other birthdays – get over yourself.” Wow. But seeing as it was indeed my birthday, my spirits would not be dashed even by the most curt and callous of text messages. No, I let those remarks roll like “The Beast” on a stretch of downhill trail.
So it would be that I would face the early morning chill on Kings Mountain sans “The Beast” (a/k/a Melinda – see exhibit “A” above.), but in the sober company of Betsy, Julia and Ashleigh. Sober, indeed! But, I digress.

With the sure-sighted navigation of Julia and myself, we entered the park just before eight. It was then we had to talk Betsy down from her grand money-saving plan of stiffing the park for its entry fee; you know those bank people. “Dude! You really think a ranger’s gonna be out here checking parking tickets today?? It’s 14 +#%ing degrees out here!” The cold weather and an evening of red wine tend to make her a bit, how should we say… testy. After the ladies made several costume changes, Julia refusing to wear an extra set of mittens since they clashed with her ensemble; Ashleigh wondering if the BatGirl bra she was wearing would chafe her like the last time, and Betsy adjusting the dimmers to “low beam”, we finally began running.

You’ve likely heard the term “bitch slap”, but have you ever heard of “bitch running?” Well, I can proudly say, we’ve coined that one now. Over the first few miles, I believe everyone was indeed complaining about the cold. Some more so than others, right J.D.? After all, it was 14F. And from behind me came this news: “At least Melinda had the good sense to get herself good and hammered last night and skip this stupid crap!” And it was then, the beans were spilled. Not the Taco Bell kind, mind you. That would come later. Upon the revelation that Melinda’s so-called “to do list” was topped with “drink until I am nearly blind”, I spent the remainder of the miles in stunned silence, separating myself from the girls so as not to say something I might regret. Only Ashleigh gave pursuit, offering watered-down excuses on behalf of “The Beast”. “Maybe she just got ‘overserved’… you know she only drinks that much on Sunday; maybe her calendar was wrong.” It was of no use the damage had been done. I had been cut to the core.

Arriving back at the car, we waited a full hour and a half for Julia and Betsy to return. “One of ‘em had better be dead!” barked Ashleigh. After her repeated berating of our running mates, I reminded Ashleigh of just how bad she’d feel if that were indeed the case. “Whatever” she popped back. And as her snappy retort bounced from the empty woods, so did Betsy and Julia. Their delay caused by what could only be called a “surprise attack” from a mother bear who came charging from the brush, knocking Betsy to her knees and leaving Julia to scare the thing from the path using her Jedi mind powers. Blah, blah, blah. Skinned knees, weepy eyes. Who gives a crap about all that mess. When they stopped blubbering, we all had cake – lots and lots of cake! Oh yeah! Happy Birthday to me!

Mystery Solved: Dehdrated Pineapple Slices are NOT a Suitable Replacement for Beer

CROWDERS MOUNTAIN, JAN 16, 2010 – For those of you who didn’t make the scene Satruday (1-16-09) here’s what you missed! After a 7:15am meet-up at the CB, Rich, Aaron and I took Colleen A. to the Linwood entrance for her first trail running foray at Crowders Mountain. Greg Paige also made the scene. Was there ever any doubt? It’s a day ending in “Y”, right? After Colleen ditched her knock-off Uggs (which Rich seemed to be quite fond of, ps and btw), and Aaron donned his moon-pie laden backpack, we hit the trail. Called it “done” after about 15 miles, and all was good until the news that Collen had neglected to bring the beer. She presumed dehydrated pineapple slices would be a suitable replacement. To quote Rich, “you’re a$$ was dead wrong… next time, we’ll pull a ‘Mo’ on you and leave your narrow behind here!” Seemed a little abrupt, but I guess the man really wanted his beer. To which, Colleen responded, and again, I quote, “I’ll bring double next time — and not any of that pansy Bud Light crap, either. Will you all ever forgive me? I’m from Pennsylvania… my manners are as slack as DC is skinny.”

We hurriedly packed our things, and made a run to the border. Treatment was administered and Aaron was well on his way to recovery by the time we returned to the CB. One additional note of interest, however. Colleen adamantly refused to be “treated” via ingestion of the 7-layer burrito. I offer this up for the record only should Greg contradict his part in this prank — and discovery that it was actually Colleen who made the switch, and seeing that Aaron had uncovered her original pineapple plot, had decided to try and poison the burritos instead! I mean, dude, seriously? Who the hell brings pineapple slices?? We should have known something was up!

OK, I’m back… had to take a break. My stomach is suddenly a bit unsettled. Hmmm…

PS: No bears, Betsy and Julia, but there was a Bedford sighting along the trail and back at the Linwood parking lot.